You are not broken

I was cycling to work this morning and my bike made an unhealthy popping sound. I stubbornly continued to cycle at full speed but it became increasingly more difficult, and after thirty seconds the front of my bike was literally dragging itself with all its might. I felt its pain. I have been that wheel some mornings, so with that in mind, I dismounted gracefully and walked the rest of the way to work.

As I locked my bike up for the day, I was annoyed. My bike was BROKEN. I had only purchased Brené three weeks ago and now she was BROKEN. Images of lugging her home on the U-Bahn in 28 degree heat flashed through my mind and I felt a bead of imaginary sweat crawl uninvited down my face. I already had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have a bad day, and no amount of coffee or good luck was going to change that.

Cut to 6pm. After discovering there was a bike shop next door to my office, I had built up the courage, after thinking about it all day, to take sweet Brené to bicycle hospital. I waited (patiently, yes me, patient) in the queue to the service center, my mouth mask providing more insulation than ventilation. I had dragged the grey cloud along with me which I had been sitting under most of the day and I was convinced that my terrible German and bad mood was going to turn this situation into a disaster. I was next up! Here goes… ‘sprichst du Englisch’… The guy looked back at me and said ‘I speak English, how can I help’…. Excellent, hurdle one complete. And I began to explain my morning ordeal, pointing at my floppy wheel in the hope that he would take pity and do something manly to get her fixed up, and looking sharp. And he did. He wheeled her off into the treatment room and I was shocked, this was all going too well, something was bound to go wrong. I waited, and he returned her with all her dignity back in tact. Success!

I popped my helmet on, because not only am I patient these days, but I am also safe. Safety first kids! And I began to cycle home. After a minute or two in the saddle, a wave of panic engulfed me like a tsunami. Did he fix it properly… what if the tyre blows again as I am hurtling full speed… what if my bike snaps in half and I die….

After stopping twice at the side of the road to squeeze my tyres to make sure they were still sufficiently plump (I did it as casually as possible so I looked professional), I gave myself a pep talk. My bike was never BROKEN, it was just a small part of it which needed a little TLC. It really wasn’t the end of the world, and I am now able to safely move forward on my journey home.

It made me realize that for such a long time I have allowed myself to believe that I am broken. I have spent such a long time convincing myself that I should have everything figured out and that because certain parts of my life are not totally solid, or polished and shiny, that I am not complete. And that is wrong! And toxic! And unhealthy!

Just because you don’t have everything figured out does not mean you are unsuccessful. It does not mean that you are not doing a great job or that you have failed. Having a few cracks here and there is perfectly healthy, and is all part of the journey. You’re not perfect, and that is ok, that’s how it should be. Nobody has all of their shit together, all of the time. And if they say they do, then they are lying.

Having a flat tyre doesn’t mean that your whole bike is broken.

Shout out to my therapist Catherine and my business coach Lauren who have supported me through alot of change and have allowed me to realize some of things- you are diamonds.

JRs handy tips and tricks

Over the last few months I have delved deeply into my own personal development and growth, and along the way I have picked up a few pearls of wisdom. The things which you are about to read have come from life experiences of my own, inspiration from books which I have read as of late and conversations with folks far wiser than I. The list below is not exhaustive (believe it or not).

Some of these are lessons which have been a long time coming, some are simple and others are still very much work in progress. I wanted to share them with you incase some of you are in a similar position, or are finding certain areas of life a little testing… Here goes:

1. Impermanence is real! Basically, nothing lasts forever, and when I talk about this I am generally referring to emotions and feelings. It may seem a little pessimistic but I use this to help get me through difficult emotive states. Telling yourself ‘this wont last forever’ can provide that much needed comfort and support when you are struggling. I suppose this is relevant more so now than ever with the current crisis. We are all going through different emotions, feelings and experiences. When you are having a bad day try telling yourself that it will eventually pass, even if it feels permenant.
2. It is okay to be in between two places. This is something I learnt just yesterday during a conversation with my therapist. Life is a moveable and fluid journey, and sometimes you may find yourself at a point where you are ‘in-between’, lets call it a life-junction. This is the place where you are living in the middle of two worlds, an ‘old world’ and a ‘new world’. If you have made any big life changes you may have experienced this. The old life does not just drastically change or seize to exist, least not in your memory and certainly as a part of your being. Just in the same way as your ‘new life’ does not just magically begin. I think this is perhaps a topic for its own blog, but the main thing to take from this is that where ever you are in life, whatever you are doing- it is perfectly normal to find yourself at a life-junction. It can be a tricky and painful place but you will eventually move forward.
3. Enjoy the journey not just the destination- you don’t have to get from A to B quickly and you certainly do not have to get there flawlessly. Too many people are focussed on arriving at their destination, whether that be a certain life goal, something they are trying to achieve or an ACTUAL point B. For example, I can totally relate to this when I was learning to snowboard (if any of you have been through this, you will know what a painful and frustrating process it is). Every fall made me want to rip the bindings off my feet (i think i did actually throw a few tantrums), but an instructor said to me as my face was buried in the snow ‘if youre not falling, youre not learning’. At that moment I hated him, and I hated snowboarding but once I had thought about it, it all clicked and made sense. Enjoy the falls, enjoy the bad runs, enjoy the fact that you are training your body and your brain a totally new skill. Once I changed my outlook, everything changed. I was enjoying the journey. This is the same with so many other things; starting a new role, meeting new people, starting a new hobbie- you dont have to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse all at once, you dont have to be perfect at your job and dont kick yourself if you something fluff up- enjoy learning the ropes, meeting new people, getting to know your new environment. This also applys to making your way to an actual destination- how much nicer would that journey be if you made it pleasant instead of just willing to get there- find something new to spruce up your morning commute (when its not just from bed to sofa), embrace your surroundings on the walk to the shop instead of just storming ahead to get the job done. There are so many simple things which may pass us by because we are too focussed on reaching point B.
4. Be brave, not perfect- I recently read a book by Reshma Saujani which is aimed at Woman (and girls) to fear less, fail more and live a bolder life. From such a young age girls are taught to be polite, to play nicely, to not get dirty (although im not sure I ever lived up to any of those expectations), whereas boys are actively encouraged to climb trees, get covered in mud and are almost expected to be mischevious, bold characters. This follows us into our adult lives, meaning as woman we now live in a world where men rule the boardrooms, where men are praised for demanding a higher salary and where a mans direct and assertive nature is praised, yet so many woman are living lives striving for perfection. Striving to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife and to have the perfect career. Wake up call huns, LIFE IS NOT PERFECT, and striving for perfection will only ever create a life where nothing is ever good enough. Instead Reshma calls for Woman to start being brave. Start doing things which scares the bajeezus out of them, no matter what it is. Instead of searching for perfection, look for excellence in all that you do. Excellence is a moveable goal, but perfection is just setting you up for disappointment. She also talks about failure, and encourages women to not only do things which may result in failure, but to celebrate their failiures. A little like the above point about enjoying the journey, failing is part of life, its part of a process. Learning to dust yourself off and try again is one of the bravest things you can do. And the more you try is, the braver we will become.
5. Let people be- okay, this is a big one, and probably a topic of its own blog but its something really important which I have learnt, and it is helping me to deal with situations differently, and to look at things through a whole new lense. The short story is YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE. You also have absolutely no control over what they think about you. Yes, your behaviour towards them may influence that, but ultimately, you cant control others emotions or behaviour. Im sure we have all been there, lord knows I have, in a situation whether that be at work, or with friends or family where you just wanted that person to do what you thought was best, or to change the way they think… news flash, its wasted energy! There are times in life where we just have to let people be. Focus on what you CAN control. Focus on YOU. I read something the other day and it said ‘two life rules to live the ultimate happy life’ 1) do your thing 2) let others do theirs… I know its difficult but trust me when you learn to let go of that desire to change others, or to control something out of your remit, you free up your time and energies. I recommend it!
6. Everything will eventually begin to make sense- This links in closely with point number 2. Answer me this, do you ever feel as though so much time has passed but really is has only been, say, 1 month? This is the story of my life and it leads to a distorted view as to where you should be at that point, it makes you question whether you have achieved enough, or done the right things… As humans the part of our brain which controls emotions moves a lot quicker than other parts of brains, such as the part which controls decision making, for example (which is ironic to say the least- who designed this shit?). We are in a constant cycle of emotion, some days stronger and different to the last but also- time is a weird concept, so don’t let it fool you. Take one step at a time, and deal with your emotions as and when they arise. It will service you best and it will all eventually start to make sense.
7. Be kind to yourself- last but certainly not least. Are you kind to others? I am sure for most of you the answer will be yes. Can you truly say that if I asked you this question about yourself you would answer the same? I know I cant. But starting yesterday, I have vowed to try self compassion. I have promised to start treating myself more kindly. Instead of choosing blame, choose kindness. (Unless of course you royally fuck up, then take a moment, reflect, and continue being kind to everyone, including yourself!)

I hope these small pearls of wisdom can resonate in some way. I am on a journey of self discovery, change and growth. Its not easy and its not always fun, but it is one hell of a ride. I am not recommending everyone makes huge life changes, but it is never too late to transform, even small transformations can make the biggest difference.

Recent personal development, growth and self help books:

• Brave not perfect by Reshman Saujani
• The Happiness Project by Gretchin Reuben
• Managing yourself; A Harvard Business Review
• Insight by Dr Tasha Eurich
• Better than before by Gretchin Reuben